


Le Mythe de Shayne

by Laurap1680



Category: Smosh
Genre: Absurdism, Blood, Depression, Gunshot Wounds, M/M, Mentions of homophobia and homophobes, Philosophy, Sexual Content, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:42:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24594730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laurap1680/pseuds/Laurap1680
Summary: A sad, heartbreaking tale of Shayne Topp's suicide in the form of a philosophical short essay, followed by the original telling of the adventures of Shayne and Damien through time and space.  My blanket trigger warning continues to apply.
Relationships: Damien Haas/Shayne Topp
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	Le Mythe de Shayne

**Author's Note:**

> The Myth of Sisyphus is an essay written by Albert Camus, a French philosopher of the school of Absurdism. Sisyphus is a character in the epic of ancient Greece lore. He cheated death one too many times, upsetting the gods who committed Sisyphus to an eternity of rolling a large boulder up a mountain, only to have it roll back down again when he reaches the top. This myth is used in the context of absurdism, a philosophical school of thought which claims there is no inherent meaning in the universe, all actions are intrinsically futile, but we can and should create our own meaning and happiness anyway.

_“I leave Sisyphus at the foot of the mountain,_

_One always finds one’s burden again._

_But Sisyphus teaches the higher fidelity that negates the gods and raises rocks._

_He, too, concludes that all is well._

_T_ _his universe, henceforth, without a master is neither futile nor sterile._

_Each atom of that stone, each mineral flake of that night filled-mountain in itself forms a world._

_The struggle toward the heights is enough to fill a man’s heart._

_One must imagine Sisyphus happy.” Albert Camus, Le Mythe de Sisyphe_

As Camus left Sisyphus with his burdens at the foot of the mountain, I leave Shayne Robert Topp prone and unconscious on his bathroom floor. All of Shayne’s life has been a mountain; he is so close to the top, so close to pushing that boulder over the peak. Albert Camus speaks of each “mineral flake” of the boulder, how each one forms its own world. The mineral flakes of Shayne’s boulder are plentiful and heavy. His boulder was not always so large; it accumulated its mass while he pushed it up the steep hill. It started as a pebble on September 14, 1991. From there, it grew slowly for eighteen months until it slipped and tumbled back down the hill. The universe had shown mercy, though, and allowed Shayne the opportunity to continue his way up the mountain again. Only, the pebble had become a stone. Then, it was small growths: getting picked on by his older brothers, failing one test, doubts about his future, low self-esteem. The rock never seemed that heavy until he met his soulmate. Plato, a philosopher from a very different school of thought, claimed humans originally had eight limbs: four arms, four legs. This panicked the gods, the humans might be too powerful, so they split the humans into the form we are now. In doing so, however, the gods created a desperate longing for our other half, our soulmate. Shayne found his soulmate on the day he met Damien Christian Haas. The connection was instant, as they say, and was felt by both parties. They became fast friends, best friends, and spent several years enjoying each other’s presence in that friendly way. Shayne’s rock did not grow much for a few years, until he realized something: he was a stain on society, or so many would claim. His undying and unconditional love for his best friend, and the opinion that love directed toward another man is despicable, caused his rock to become the boulder it is today. While Shayne grew physically and mentally, it was becoming more and more of a struggle every day. He can see the summit now; it is so close. Once he reaches it, he can give his boulder one last shove and it will roll into abyss on the other side, freeing him from his trepidations forever. Shayne still persevered for another few years, but his burdens became too great, even for someone as strong-willed and strong-muscled as him. The day Shayne Topp holds his grandfather’s pistol to his head is the day his boulder slips again, and he can do nothing but watch helplessly as it rolls to the valley below. Shayne is not the only Sisyphus in this universe: every human that ever has been, and every human that ever will be, is fated to push their struggles up a mountainside for eternity. This means Shayne’s soulmate has a boulder with which he struggles, too. Damien’s boulder has gotten away from him several times in his life. Finally, though, half way up the rocky slope, Damien dropped his burdens and they cracked mightily. He then chose to leave some there, he would be back, and carried on with his new, more manageable, large rock. So, the day Shayne attempts suicide is also the day Damien’s fingers slip again; his firm hold on his rock vanished. He, too, watched helplessly as he watched his rock tumble down the mountainside, picking up the other rocks in its path. _One always finds one’s burdens again._

Our universe is a complicated one; it is both vast and microscopic. At times, it is too large to comprehend, at other times it is too small. It also has strange rules, ones that must be followed in this universe lest we be cast out to the next. In all the expansive wasteland of space, and of all the intricacy of quarks, one thing remains constant: the universe cannot be changed. Individuals may have free will, sure, but the overall structure of our world and our cosmos is, and forever will be, unchangeable. All that is here, wherever here may be, will neither appear or vanish. What is here now is all that ever will be here. No atom on our planet, no atom in our solar system, will ever be destroyed completely. This is both physically and philosophically true. The only action in this universe is movement of matter from one location to another. To say we are stardust is beautifully poetic, but completely false. If we are stardust, what became stardust? If we are human, what will become of us? This lends truth to Camus’ statement that each mineral flake in itself forms a world: each atom, each component of each component of atoms is its own world. We will never define the smallest particle in this universe, for everything can be divided in half infinitely and never reach zero. But if we were able to isolate that fragment of time or space, we would see that it is nothing but itself. We would see that everything is made up only of these particles, and, thus, are those particles. That means Shayne Topp is not Shayne Topp, and a bullet is not a bullet. They are both made of a variety of infinitely small pieces; they are fundamentally the same. So why, then, would the introduction of a substance into itself cause a man to die? Well, I never said the universe makes sense. Shayne Topp is two consecutive minutes from proving this paradox. I have another puzzle for you: are the particles we see in a mirror particles themselves, or just reflections of such? A physicist might say, “both,” because the reflections we see are just photons bouncing off of surfaces, and photons are both a particle and a wave. One quality of absurdism is the idea that, because the universe is so permanent and unchangeable, it is futile to try to solve it. It does not matter to the universe whether we know there are infinitely small particles. It does not matter to the universe whether we know what a reflection in a mirror really is. Therefore, the reflection Shayne sees in his mirror is just that: a reflection. He takes the opportunity to look himself over one last time; it would be horrible to be found in disarray. As he stares himself in the eyes, he watches in stoic helplessness as his boulder tumbles down his mountain. That does not matter, though, as the universe does not care whether Shayne is happy or sad at the loss of his progress. No, the universe just creeps in, a black cloud above his head. It seeps into his skull, causing the stormy thoughts within. But, as we established, we are also the universe. The universe should seek counseling for its suicidal behavior. With one more deep, reassuring breath, Shayne pulls the trigger and falls to the ground. 

Futility is a major theme in Albert Camus’ telling of the Myth of Sisyphus. It implies all of our actions are inherently futile, and we are stuck rolling a boulder up a mountain only for it to fall back down again at the top. It was a curse placed upon Sisyphus by the gods, but, though he understands the futility of his actions and the fate to which he is forever bound, Sisyphus decides to be happy. The universe, as stated previously, does not care if a human feels any type of emotion; it does not give us emotions or tell us what to feel. It is stagnant, passive. Therefore, we can choose to live in happiness or sadness. It is our own will that drives our emotions, not the world around us. The gods thought they were punishing Sisyphus for his indiscretions, but Sisyphus decided to be happy, and the punishing aspect of the curse was lost. Events do not happen to us, they just happen. It is our privilege and responsibility to react however we choose. _He, too, concludes all is well._ So, Shayne’s choice to put a bullet through his head is a reaction to some event; he does not conclude all is well. Shayne deciding to end his life is a reaction to his belief that he will never be reattached to his soulmate, Damien. He believes his thoughts and desires are crimes against humanity, or even the world. He does not know why he believes this, but it is futile to figure it out now. Sisyphus accepting his punishment and being content in his futile task makes his sentence futile itself. Shayne does not accept his punishment: soul-crushing, debilitating depression and the pointlessness of grasping for an unattainable object. His decision to not be content in his servitude makes him want to not feel anything at all. He would endure the termination of his happiness if it meant the termination of his despair. This leads Shayne to find an escape from the hell in which he suffers. Many people do choose that route; they just do it differently. Some commit suicide, some quit their job and move to a tropical island, and some rely on illicit materials to create a false sense of happiness. No matter what, though, they are all doing the same thing: trying to escape. The monster from which they wish to escape varies greatly, but many are in a similar situation as Shayne. That situation being self-hatred and self-induced suffering because he believes he is sick; he believes he is an abomination, and, while futile, there are others who would believe him an abomination as well. Furthermore, Shayne sees a bleak future with his best friend. Eventually, Damien would grow tired of Shayne and move on. Even if Damien returned Shayne’s feelings, he would inevitably come to find Shayne flawed and unlovable. That is why, instead of enduring the emotional pain of Damien’s inevitable departure, Shayne chooses to endure the physical pain of his own inevitable departure. And to say he endured physical pain is a disservice to him, for the pain of a bullet entering one’s shoulder in a botched attempt of self-extermination is excruciating. The result of his chosen action renders it futile, and he must lay in a pool of scarlet sorrow while he contemplates his failure. Shayne hopes the bleeding will become too fast, too much to stop. He hopes his mistake of turning to look at his best friend in the front door kills him anyway. 

One of the most haunting sounds humanity has created is the wailing siren of an emergency vehicle. As discussed, the sole activity in this universe is the movement of matter from one location in space and time to another. The leftover carcasses of sustenance in the garbage can do not disappear; they do not cease to exist. Your uneaten food is moved from the garbage can into a garbage truck, and further moved to a landfill. That is not yet the end of your waste particles’ journey: other universe particles in the form of bacteria consume the rotten flesh of fruits and vegetables; those bacteria then digest it and their cell rearranges the particles into methane gas. This methane gas produced by the bacteria in the landfill is then released to Earth’s atmosphere where it combines with other particles to create an electric-blanket of doom. Shayne, if he were not in hypovolemic shock, would agree with this analogy because he currently believes himself to be a piece of trash to be discarded and moved to another place. The ambulance emitting the haunting sound is Shayne’s garbage truck. 

Waiting rooms are a nod to the philosophy of futility. It is a liminal space; a space you pass through but have no reason in which to stay. Liminal spaces include airports or other public transportation depots, hallways, elevators, and hospital waiting rooms. It is the lattermost liminal space in which Damien finds himself. It is the liminal time in which he waits; in which his emotional control crumbles like his boulder. The barrage of self-doubt and anxiety he feels almost causes Damien to lose control of his gag reflex as well. He appreciates the support of his coworkers and friends while he waits, but their presence is conclusively futile. The movement of loved ones through the waiting room does nothing to stop the movement of dejected tears down his cheeks. Considering a waiting room is a liminal space serving only as a passage through time and space for moving particles, Damien is not waiting in this waiting room just to wait. He is here because Damien’s soulmate lost his grip on his boulder and made a choice to permanently end his struggle. Damien silently thanks the universe for having mercy on Shayne once again; for allowing Shayne to climb down the mountain and start rolling his burdens up the great big hill as he did before. 

Humans, and arguably all living things, have free will. They have the ability to make a choice and the ability to make more choices to deal with the consequences of their choice. Free will, however, is bound to the limits of the universe. This makes free will ultimately futile because all we freely will comes from a pool of predeterminations. We are given free will, but we can only will what is available to will; we can only choose from the choices provided. Our incapacity to understand every aspect of our universe means we must make decisions based on our perceptions. For example, you have the free will to choose your favorite color, but your favorite color must be one that you have seen before; there is no frequency outside the range of the visible light spectrum that you may choose as a favorite color. Limited choices actually make it easier for Damien to decide whether to end the medical support Shayne has received, or to continue in hopes of Shayne recovering. Without a risky surgery, Shayne will most likely die. It seems like a simple decision: if he is going to die anyway, the benefit of surgery outweighs the risk. Part of Damien’s responsibility is to choose what Shayne would choose, and if Shayne’s self-inflicted gunshot wound gives any indication, Shayne would not choose surgery. Perhaps, if Damien was given a third choice to invent a time-machine and skip the gas station stop on the way to Shayne’s apartment, Shayne would not be losing blood at a rate faster than they can transfuse it. Damien chooses to continue medical intervention, most likely against Shayne’s wishes.

Miracles are not made up of particles; miracles are an abstraction invented by humanity using knowledge they already had to put off the burden of anguish, if only for a little while. It does not matter, though, that miracles are not real. It does not affect the universe in any way for a person to believe in miracles. A rational person might not believe in miracles, but Damien’s irrationality brought on by suffocating anxiety causes him to believe in Shayne’s miracle. The surgery is successful, and Shayne is expected to wake up in the next few hours to days. Damien does not leave Shayne’s side for the next three days. 

It is a common phrase, “what does not kill you makes you stronger.” This might be true for some individuals, but the bullet wound that did not kill Shayne made him weaker. Upon waking in his hospital bed and gathering his surroundings, Shayne’s anger and resentment toward himself grow as he stands at the foot of the mountain next to his boulder, looking up to the peak glistening in the sun. _One always finds one’s burdens again._ He thought he would be free; he thought his choice would liberate him from the prison of fate. He thought he would never face Damien again; he thought he would not have to explain his actions to Damien. Of all the struggles Shayne has come to face, the realization of the consequences of his deed is the worst. The realization that, while being unsuccessful in killing himself, he was successful in killing his best friend. Damien’s bitterly distraught demeanor indicates Shayne must now carry far more weight up the mountain than he did before. And, worst of all, he added a ton to Damien’s boulder. For now, Shayne has the excuse of post-anesthetic fogginess. By the day after he comes to, Shayne begrudgingly accepts Damien’s offer of help. 


End file.
